Christie Quits Race to Focus on Tormenting Rubio
NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning announcement on the eve of the New Hampshire primary, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that he was dropping out of the Presidential race to...
View ArticleFiorina Cheers Self Up by Firing Campaign Staff
NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Borowitz Report)—After suffering a poor showing in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday night, the former Hewlett-Packard C.E.O. Carly Fiorina cheered herself up by firing her entire...
View ArticleRubio Abruptly Departs G.O.P. Debate After Low-Battery Warning
GREENVILLE, South Carolina (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Marco Rubio of Florida was forced to leave Saturday night’s crucial Republican Presidential debate after suffering what aides called a...
View ArticleG.O.P. Warns Obama Against Doing Anything for Next Three Hundred and Forty Days
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a television appearance on Sunday, the leading Senate Republican warned President Obama “in no uncertain terms” against doing anything in his remaining three hundred...
View ArticleConspiracy Theorists Say Republican Party Did Not Die from Natural Causes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Conspiracy theorists believe that the Republican Party did not die from natural causes but was instead the target of an elaborately planned killing, a leading...
View ArticleIraqis Celebrate as Threat of Third Bush Presidency is Over
BAGHDAD (The Borowitz Report)—Thousands of Iraqis poured out into the streets to celebrate in the early hours of Sunday morning, as the threat of a third Bush Presidency was declared over at last.See...
View ArticleAmericans Nostalgic for Republican Who Only Wanted to Screw Over Forty-Seven...
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a sign of voters’ shifting perspectives about Presidential hopefuls, a new survey reveals that Americans are deeply nostalgic for a Republican candidate who only...
View ArticleObama Signs Executive Order Relocating Congress to Guantánamo
WASHINGTON (Satire from The Borowitz Report)—Making good on one of his key campaign promises, President Obama signed an executive order on Tuesday relocating the United States Congress to Guantánamo...
View ArticleChristie’s Endorsement of Trump Threatens to Overshadow Equally Prestigious...
FORT WORTH, TX (The Borowitz Report)—Aides to the G.O.P. front-runner, Donald Trump, expressed concern on Friday that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s endorsement of their candidate might...
View ArticleTrump Derailed by Obama’s Endorsement
WASHINGTON (Satire from The Borowitz Report)—Adding a new wrinkle in an already unpredictable election year, Donald Trump saw his poll numbers plummet on Monday after receiving a surprise endorsement...
View ArticleTrump Tremendously Relieved That K.K.K. Ties Did Not Hurt Him in Alabama
MOBILE, ALABAMA (The Borowitz Report)—The Republican front-runner, Donald Trump, said on Tuesday night that he was “tremendously relieved” that the recent controversy linking him to the Ku Klux Klan...
View ArticleCanada Fears Photo of Prime Minister with Pandas Could Worsen American...
TORONTO (The Borowitz Report)—Canada, already bracing for the possible inflow of millions of American refugees in November, might have made matters worse by releasing an unacceptably adorable photo of...
View ArticleSanders Sends Vegan Thugs to Attack Peace-Loving Nazis
CINCINNATI (The Borowitz Report)—Republican front-runner Donald Trump was crying foul on Monday after Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders allegedly dispatched an army of vegan thugs to attack a rally of...
View ArticleU.S. Becomes Laughingstock of World for Something Other Than Gun Laws
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—In an indication of shifting global attitudes toward the United States, the nation has become the laughingstock of the world for something other than its gun laws, a...
View ArticleObama Plans to Take Nuclear Launch Codes with Him When He Leaves Office
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Obama is planning to take the nation’s nuclear launch codes with him when he leaves office, in January of 2017, the President announced in a nationally...
View ArticleRepublicans Refuse to Create Even One Job
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Contradicting their professed interest in creating jobs, Senate Republicans resolutely refused to put even one American to work this week.See the rest of the story at...
View ArticleNorth Carolina Governor Swears in Historic First Class of...
RALEIGH (The Borowitz Report)—In a historic ceremony at the state capitol, on Friday, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory swore in a thousand officers charged with enforcing the state’s new...
View ArticleMedia Unimpressed as Sanders Barely Gets Seventy Per Cent of Vote
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Bernie Sanders failed to impress major media outlets over the weekend as he barely managed to win seventy per cent of the vote in three western primaries.See the rest of...
View ArticleUnlocked iPhone Worthless After F.B.I. Spills Glass of Water on It
WASHINGTON (Satire from The Borowitz Report)—Moments after successfully unlocking the San Bernardino iPhone, the F.B.I. rendered the phone permanently useless by spilling a glass of water on it, an...
View ArticleTrump Proposes Building Wall Inside Uterus
GREEN BAY (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump, the Republican Presidential front-runner, touched off a firestorm of controversy on Wednesday by suggesting that, if elected, he would build a wall inside...
View ArticleTrump: Decision to Consider Women Humans Should Be Left to States
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attempting to repair some of the fallout from his recent remarks about women, Donald Trump said on Sunday that the decision of whether women should be considered humans...
View ArticleTrump Says He Will Sue Everyone in Wisconsin
MILWAUKEE (Satire from The Borowitz Report)—In a sharply worded post-election threat on Tuesday night, the Republican Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump said that he intended to sue the entire...
View ArticleClinton Campaign Accuses Sanders of Trying to Win Nomination
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The war of words between the two Democratic camps heated up over the weekend, as the Clinton campaign accused Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders of “blatantly attempting to...
View ArticleNo One in Nation Notices Total Disappearance of Chris Christie
TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—No one in the United States has taken note of the total disappearance of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who vanished from view several weeks ago.See the rest of the...
View ArticleBen Carson Says He Has No Memory of Running for President
WEST PALM BEACH (Satire from The Borowitz Report)—Ben Carson, the retired neurosurgeon, stirred controversy on Thursday by saying in a televised interview that he had no recollection of running for...
View ArticleNation’s Racists Suddenly Warming Up to New York
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—America’s racists, who have long viewed New York with a mixture of hostility, contempt, and fear, are suddenly feeling much more positive about the Empire State, a...
View ArticleTrump Reassures Supporters That He Still Opposes Women Who Were Born Women
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—After rattling many of his supporters by expressing tolerance toward transgender people, the Republican front-runner Donald J. Trump clarified on Friday that he still...
View ArticleKoch Brothers Consider Purchasing First Democrat
WICHITA (The Borowitz Report)—Charles and David Koch, the billionaire industrialists who have spent decades acquiring a world-class collection of Republicans, revealed over the weekend that they are...
View ArticleCruz Hopes to Tap Into Immense Popularity of Carly Fiorina
INDIANAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—In choosing the former Hewlett-Packard C.E.O. Carly Fiorina as his running mate, Senator Ted Cruz hopes to tap into the immense popularity of one of the most beloved...
View ArticleSenate Officially Mourns Return of Ted Cruz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The United States Senate declared an official day of mourning on Wednesday to mark the impending return of Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) to the legislative body.See the...
View ArticleTrump Promises Paul Ryan That He’ll Sound Slightly Less Like Hitler
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is being hailed as a productive closed-door meeting between two leaders of the Republican Party, Donald J. Trump promised House Speaker Paul Ryan on Thursday...
View ArticleObama Alienates Millions with Incendiary Pro-Knowledge Remarks
NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY (News Satire from The Borowitz Report)—President Obama handed the Republican Party a gift for the general election by making a series of offensive pro-knowledge remarks at...
View ArticleStephen Hawking Angers Trump Supporters with Baffling Array of Long Words
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—The theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking angered supporters of Donald J. Trump on Monday by responding to a question about the billionaire with a baffling array of long...
View ArticleTrump: Mexicans Swarming Across Border, Enrolling in Law School, and Becoming...
SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA (The Borowitz Report)—Unless the United States builds a wall, Mexicans will swarm across the border, enroll in law school en masse, and eventually become biased judges, Donald J....
View ArticleSanders Vows to Keep Fighting for Nomination Even if Hillary is Elected...
SAN FRANCISCO (The Borowitz Report)—Upping the ante in his quest for the White House, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders vowed on Tuesday night to continue battling for the Democratic Presidential...
View ArticleCavs Replace “All In” Slogan with Quote from Jean-Paul Sartre
CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—As they prepare for Game 3 of the N.B.A. Finals, the Cleveland Cavaliers have replaced their official slogan, “All In,” with a quotation by the French existentialist...
View ArticleCleveland Fans Mainly Hoping Cavs Avoid Being Subject of Another Depressing...
CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—Heading into Game 4 of the NBA Finals, Cleveland fans are mainly hoping that the Cavs do not become the subject of another painful ESPN documentary someday, fans...
View ArticleLeBron Feeds Entire City of Cleveland with Loaves and Fishes
CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—As Cleveland welcomed home the 2016 N.B.A. champions with a massive victory parade, Finals M.V.P. LeBron James surprised Cavaliers fans by feeding the city’s entire...
View ArticleCash-Strapped Trump Campaign Auctions Chris Christie on eBay
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what some are calling a sign of its desperation to raise cash, the Presidential campaign of Donald J. Trump is auctioning off New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on the...
View ArticleBritish Lose Right to Claim That Americans Are Dumber
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Across the United Kingdom on Friday, Britons mourned their long-cherished right to claim that Americans were significantly dumber than they are.See the rest of the story at...
View ArticleTrump’s Bid to Become Born-Again Fails as Jesus Turns Down Friend Request
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The billionaire Donald J. Trump’s bid to become a born-again Christian failed over the weekend after Jesus Christ turned down his friend request, campaign officials have...
View ArticleCongressional Republicans Vote to Abolish F.B.I.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning rebuke to one of the nation’s oldest and most established law-enforcement agencies, House Republicans voted unanimously on Tuesday to abolish the Federal...
View ArticleFurious Christie Refuses to Pick Up Trump’s Dry Cleaning
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Governor Chris Christie, of New Jersey, angrily refused to pick up Donald Trump’s dry cleaning during a tense encounter between the two men on Friday, campaign sources...
View ArticleCut from G.O.P. Convention, Tebow Hopes to Catch On with Other Political Party
CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—After being cut from the official list of Republican National Convention speakers, the former N.F.L. quarterback Tim Tebow said on Friday that he was optimistic that...
View ArticleBen Carson Confident That Trump Will Choose Him as V.P.
WEST PALM BEACH, Florida (The Borowitz Report)—The retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson told reporters on Saturday that he is “extremely confident” that Donald Trump will choose him to be his...
View ArticlePoll: Americans Worried About Keeping Families Safe from Rudy Giuliani
CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—In what promises to be a key issue in the 2016 general election, a majority of Americans now say that they want a President who can keep their families safe from Rudy...
View ArticleRepublicans Accused of Plagiarizing Entire Convention Scenario from Book of...
CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—The 2016 Republican National Convention became embroiled in another controversy on Tuesday, as Biblical experts accused Republicans of plagiarizing the entire Convention...
View ArticleTrump Succeeds in Delivering Speech No One Will Want to Plagiarize
CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was jubilant Thursday night after accomplishing his goal of delivering a speech that no one will ever want to plagiarize, Trump aides confirmed.See the...
View ArticleSeemingly Decent Human Being’s Involvement in 2016 Election Confuses Voters
MIAMI (The Borowitz Report)—The involvement of a seemingly decent human being in the 2016 election campaign left American voters stunned and deeply bewildered on Saturday.See the rest of the story at...
View ArticleDemocrats Schedule Three Straight Hours of Booing to Get It Out of System
PHILADELPHIA (The Borowitz Report)—In an unorthodox departure from tradition, the Democratic National Convention will kick off its prime-time schedule on Monday night with what a D.N.C. spokesman...
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